The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
