Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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