Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
