Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
