Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
