So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
