I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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