...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I could fuck to npr.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
