Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
