It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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