end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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