What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
