Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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