4 words: hood of his car
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is my gift to your gina
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
