my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
