Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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