Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
