I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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