Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
