I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
