worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
