i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
