I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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