I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
