Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
