I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
