So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
