Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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