i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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