I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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