Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
