I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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