dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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