Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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