I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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