I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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