I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
