I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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