We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
