my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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