Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
