pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
