Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
