my phone needs a breathalizer
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
