i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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