I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
