You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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