forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The uberlube is also flammable
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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