dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
