i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
