I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
