i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
