i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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