Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
