you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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