he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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